Vegetarians/Vegans

Seriously, fuck anyone who eats purely organic food. You mouth-breathing non meat eaters need to go lick a horse dick. I was shopping the other day and in the fridge section whilst getting cheap standard none of this "soft like margarine shit" butter, i noticed beside it there was organic butter.

WHAT THE FUCK IS ORGANIC BUTTER?

How the fuck can dairy be organic? is this some kind of scam, or are these people for real? I'd love to know how this works.

I'm also pretty fucked off at all this gluten free shit that's everywhere. But that's a rant for another day.

How the fuck do you stay alive without eating meat? I know there's other sources of protein and iron but fuck, how good is bacon and steak? why would you put yourself through a lifetime of agony because you haven't tasted lovely delicious juicy steak?

It's in mans carnal nature to want to eat meat so stop denying your instincts you fucking idiots. if we were meant to drink soy tea and mung out on carrots we wouldn't have canines in our jaw.

If i see another plate of nachos in a restaurant that's got no meat in the salsa I'm going to trash the place.

Fuck vegetarians.

Vegans? Even fucking worse. I'd love to put a bullet between the eyes of every vegan. They are worse than religious extremists pushing this vegan diet onto us. It's worse than these "straight edge" fuckheads I've heard about. I wish vegans would piss blood til they just pass out and die.

Fuck vegans.

The Weather

What the fuck is going on with the weather? Is this climate change? Because if it is these so called experts are full of shit. It's not getting warmer.. at all.

I live in Kalgoorlie, in West Australia. You'd think being smack bang in the middle of the Australian desert that it would be hot as fuck.

WRONG. It's been sitting between 6 and 13 degrees for more than a week now. I apologise, today it got to 14. Yay. Might have to change my dacks twice to prevent trenchfoot. In my arse.

So, I think climate change is full of shit. What we are experiencing is just the natrual weather patterns on our planet. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no possible way that the planet is getting warmer because of "climate change".

All you filthy stinking hippy cunts can go get fucked. Go choke on some tofu.

Chapter 1 of my book "Ko$hie"

As he woke up, D Koche sat upright and stretched. the sun was not yet up, but he was eager to get out of the house. Today was a special day. Today he would have many, many more viewers than the usual. No more old ladies, today even schoolgirls would be watching him.

As he stood up into his slippers he thought to himself

"Fuck, all this putting up with Mel’s shit is finally going to pay off, I’m sick of sucking Kerry stokes’ dick for ratings".

He turned around and pulled the silk bedspread back up to the ...pillow, neatly. he absconded to the bathroom, albeit carefully, so as to not show anyone the huge erection that had appeared there, that wasn’t there when he awoke.

As he leant forward, and angled his erection so as not to piss into the cistern, he smiled. He knew that today, nobody would be watching the news ticker. They would be watching him. This was his golden ticket.

There was no way he could fail. He’d worked for years. For years as the finance guy. he worked his way out of that and he is still being shousted and out done by the weather guy, who interestingly enough developed a bad cocaine habit after attending one of Koshie’s parties.

He shook, and flushed. as he tested the warmth of the water with his arm in the shower, he could see the purplish glow through the bathroom window.

"The sun will be up soon" he said to himself.

he hopped into the shower, and after several renditions of "in the air tonight" (utilising the bathrooms tiled walls for just the right amount of echo) finally turned off the taps. He opened the door and reached out for a towel.

Minutes later there is a knock at the door. He opens it, in his silk dressing gown. The golden KOCHE printed on the back glints in the light as he opens the door to find his assistant holding out a GIANT cup of coffee.

‎"For fuck sake, Nige, what happened to the key I gave you?" he uttered, almost slamming the door in Nigel’s face.

"Sorry Mr Koche" he stammered.
"You fucken better be. is Mel up yet?"
"Yes Mr Koche. She’s on her way"
..."good. Lets get this fucken show on the road."

There is a golden glow, through the tinted window of the statesman as the sun comes up over the Japanese coast. It doesn’t sway Koshie, he has giant shades to block it out.

"Lucky we were on location when all this fucken shit went down hey Mel...?" he smiled.
"Yes davi..."
"Did I ask you to fucken speak, cunt?"

He grabbed her by the collar of her freshly pressed blouse.

"I’m the fucken news guy, you are just there to get more of the ladies to watch. It’s a fucken empowerment thing. don’t even think about upstanding me after my joke of the day."

Pile after pile after pile of rubble flies past as Koshie rehearses his lines. He doesn’t notice the devastation he’s about to report on. He heard something from his assistant about a nuclear meltdown, although unsure about what he was on about, he has decided he will throw it into the report anyway.

The black Statesman goes off the tarmac, onto some bumpy dirt road. Koshie’s coffee with double shot of scotch almost gets spilled over his best news pants.

"Fucking watch yourself Nige, you ridiculous cunt,” he screams from the back seat as Nige instinctively lowers in his seat, to avoid any broken glass that may be thrust in his direction.

There was a cloud of dust as the black statesman skidded to a halt. The back drivers side door opened and out stepped Koshie. Assistants carrying cups of coffee stopped dead in their tracks, to catch the glint off his giant sunnies.

2 assistants helped him out of his silk dressing gown as he sat down behind all this rubble that had been carved into a makeshift desk. He put his hands on top of it and felt it for a second. It was cold. Cold like Mel’s heart.

The cameras were readied. the guy with the headset stood next to the camera and counted down. Koshie took a deep breath.
3
2
1.

...Good morning. I'm David Koche.
at that very moment, 2 flash pots went off on either side of the rubble.

Roll intro credits.

Things I don't Like #6 - Insecure dudes

Guys. What the fuck is wrong with you? You act like complete douchenozzles then when things stop going your way you totally freak out and start sooking about it. I just don't get it.

Try rationalizing things for a change, instead of expecting to get your way like some rich parented 16 year old girl. So many dudes complain to me about how this and that happens, and honestly it's nobody elses fault but your own. If you were standing beside yourself watching you'd be all like "this guys a cockhead".

The sooner guys stop tweaking out over shit and start taking charge and taking on those challanges the sooner life starts getting better. The more you feel sorry for yourself the worse it's going to get.

Cheer the fuck up, cunts.







That doesn't leave the bitches out of this, you are all just as bad as eachother. I won't start on women because... well... I am unlikely to stop. Most of you could do with a semi-firm slap. With a closed fist.

Things I don't Like #5 - Neighbours

I live next door to a complete fuckhead. He likes to renovate at 3am, he parks his cars on the verge so you can never see oncoming traffic at the intersection, and recently I caught him building a dog kennel with a nail gun. What a fucking hero.





So, I live on a reasonably quiet street. I have pretty good neighbours. On one side. On the other side, however, I have the worst fucking neighbour I’ve ever had. Even worse than my old neighbour, the one with 4 inbred children between the age of 2 and 5(how the fuck did that work).

To call this neighbour an asshole is an understatement. He reeks of dickheadery. Look at the little blurb near that pic up the top. A NAILGUN. WHAT THE FUCK. This is just a few of the things that he does, consistently to annoy the shit out of the rest of the street.

He LOVES to park his SS on the verge right at the corner of the intersection so fucked if you can see if there is any oncoming traffic. He’s really good at renovating at night, especially in the hours at which his neighbours are sleeping. I love being woken up at 2:30am by a fucking Skilsaw ripping through a piece of half inch ply. Really, I do. I also love hammering nails into my own cock, like a phallic crucifiction.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was occasional, but it isn’t. It’s consistent. The only saving grace you’d think is that he’s rarely there at night. Due to the place being fixed up, he is staying somewhere else.

Too fucking bad his dog isn’t staying with him. I’m seriously almost at the end of my rope with this stupid fucking mutt, It doesn’t ever shut the fuck up, ever. It barks at nothing. All the time.

You might be saying “But, riggs, you have 2 large dogs of your own, you should understand that they make noise!”

This is true. However, my dogs are
a, Pedigree, and
b, Trained.

Yes, my dogs bark, but only once or twice, unless they have a reason to keep going, for example if someone is in my fucking front yard breaking into my fucking car.

I’ve taken a good look at this dog. I really should take a photo and put it up here so you can understand. It’s obvious something has gone horribly wrong in it’s bloodline somewhere and the consequence of that is obvious mentally and physically.

Its the dumbest fucking dog I’ve ever encountered(believe me I’ve had some doozies) and it’s also the ugliest fucking dog I’ve ever encountered.

You know that constant look of confusion animals(and humans) get when they get bred too much? It’s got that. It’s bark is.. well.. more of a loud wheeze, really. I should report this fuckhead to the RSPCA. I honestly believe keeping it alive is cruel.

Last night somewhere between the 2 hours of 3am and 5am, it barked, non-stop for 90 minutes. There was nothing outside, and my dogs did not make a sound. You could hear with every bark it’s throat was getting sorer. Do you think that slowed it down? Not for a second. After about 20 minutes it sounded like sandpaper wheeze. After 70, it sounded like tin tearing through tin during a violent storm.

Soon as I see my neighbour, I am going to make him aware of what his dog is doing. I’ve let it go long enough. If he doesn’t do anything about it.. Well I can’t be charged with having vicious dogs if “his weird fucking praying mantis dog jumped into my locked back yard while I wasn’t home, and my large dogs tore it to pieces”.

I’m fucking sick of this guy and his shit. I know there are worse neighbours out there. But fuck him. And fuck you.

7/09/10

Things I don't like #4 - Facebook Fuckheadery

All tact and tastefulness is now out the window. I’m not going to tint my thoughts with political correctness, regard for anyones feelings, or anything of the like. It's not in my nature to kick someone when they are down but this has to be said.

Facebook is for social networking, not for advertising your children/depression/stupidity/other.

I’m sick as fuck of seeing stupid shit. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU ARE BORED. DO YOU THINK IF YOU POST ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK SOMETHING MAGICAL WILL HAPPEN AND SUDDENLY YOU WILL BECOME UN-BORED? HAVE US HUMANS REALLY BECOME THAT RETARDED AND INBRED?

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR NEWBORN. CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIRTH, BUT NOBODY NEEDS TO BE UPDATED ON EVERY FUCKING LITTLE THING THE TROGLODYTE HELLSPAWN DOES. STOP POSTING EVERY 30 SECONDS ABOUT WHAT COLOUR ITS SPEW AND SHIT IS, WHAT “FUNNY(which isn’t funny at all, its normal baby behaviour, your child is not special)” SHIT YOUR BABY IS DOING. I ALSO BELIEVE NOBODY REALLY GIVES A FUCK HOW WELL YOU SLEPT BECAUSE OF SAID BABY. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE A CHILD, SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES IN THE DESERT OF LONELINESS AND ALIENATION. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK AND THEY SLEEP JUST FINE AT NIGHT, BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE CHILDREN.

SICK OF SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY POSTING ABOUT STUPID SHIT YOUR BABY DOES? GET A FUCKING JOB AND PUT IT IN CHILDCARE. ONCE AGAIN YOU CHOSE TO ENTER THE WORLD OF PARENTHOOD, SO FUCKING STOP HARPING ON ABOUT IT. DOES MAGIC JOHNSON WHINGE ABOUT HAVING AIDS? NO.

The reason I don’t have comments set up on here is because all you soccer mums would no doubt get on your high horse and crap on about what a cunt I am for saying this. I’m sorry, bitches, this is what WE ARE ALL THINKING. Maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror and see what sad pieces of shit you are.

Go fuck yourselves. At least there’s little chance of further impregnation that way.

Things I don't Like #3 - Reality Television

Reality Television is basically the networks way of saying “here is your entertainment, you dumb piece of shit.”

So, I’m a subscriber to Foxtel. I pay an exorbitant fee, and in exchange of my hard earned money, I get to watch 200 odd channels of advertising, and occasionally some TV in between. This occasional TV is not all rainbows and rabbits popping out of hats, however. The majority of this “TV” that I speak of is whats known worldwide as “REALITY TV”.

Taken from Wikipedia:

Reality television is a genre of television programming that presents purportedly unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, documents actual events, and usually features ordinary people instead of professional actors.

That is a pretty reasonable definition. What started out as just Big Brother for 6 months of the year has turned into this fucking juggernaut of advertising and totally unreal “real life”.

For example, there is a Reality TV show called “The Real Housewives of New York City”(before anyone tries to tell me the orange county one was first, I don’t give a fuck). This show basically shows these women living in upper class Manhattan or somewhere equally as fucking expensive strutting about spending copius amounts of money, getting botox, drinking expensive piss together and generally plotting against eachother. The ratings for this show are through the roof.

This is just one end of the Reality TV scale. at the other end you have shit like Wife Swap, and Extreme Makeover. Not a subject is left untainted, like a virgin at a Peter Gabriel gig. Real estate, medicine, science, gardening, employment, the arts, dating, it’s all covered.

Granted there are some exceptions to this. Pimp My Ride is pretty cool.

But for the most part, it’s absolutely rediculous. There is no way any of us will ever gain anything from watching Reality Television. If anything we lose. These corporate fatcats are playing on the lower rung of society, ie, the unintelligent and cashing in off it. There are so many stupid fucking people out there that Reality TV can’t be killed. Those of us with half a brain want to watch something with some substance, but we have to wade through this waist high pile of visual and aural shit before we can get to it. If there is one thing I hate more than advertising, its Reality Fucking TV.

I’d have something mildly amusing to say about it, but it’s honestly too bleak to make any good of it. Like a field full of dead kittens, you can’t really find anything to make you smile.

On the other hand, what if Reality TV was like real life? Can you imagine “Your Pissweak Job” where it shows a guy digging graves for half an hour each day? Or “Your Social Life Is Shit” where they film a guy who gets drunk alone every night? It just wouldn’t work.

But Reality TV lacks the greatest thing the human mind can show. and that’s CREATIVITY. We don’t get to see the works of a person who has poured his or her heart into something. all we see is rich people, and strange people. That makes me sad.

The moral of this rant?

FUCK REALITY TELEVISION.